BREAKING NEWS – Rik Rime : « they were trying to open a gateway to hell »

Debauchery, drug abuse, torture, child sacrifices… According to Rik Rime, special superintendant of Saint-Just, a city in the sky east of the most eastern part of the European cathedral, named after the famous French revolutionary, the Roma peasants who have been squatting in the Holy Temple of the Female Grail for the past several months were doing it all !…

I had to put an end to it”, Rime tells our colleagues of the FBTR, the Federal Bureau of Trustworthy Reporting brought into life by the General Council of the Wise, some thirty five years ago, in order to streamline the information flow within our sacred homeland. “A week ago, I received some pretty reliable intel according to which these Roma were actually trying to open a gateway to hell”, he continues.

Rooted in the Roma culture is the strong belief Heaven and Hell are bound to merge into a new Republic of the Void linking human life with the afterlife and Earth with the 9 spheres once and for all. Famous historian Gjürk Husseini has been specializing for decades in the religious phenomena. According to him, hidden Roma scriptures show that, at the very beginning of life on Earth, a mysterious creature fell from the sky straight onto the spot where Brüsel is currently located, in the catacombs nearby the royal palace. The famous movie Highlander is inspired by this story.

This originally explains why the Roma are a nomad people. Being mobile helped them locate the G-spot with much more certainty than if they had used satellites. It is rumored the nazis had knowledge of this but never managed to lay their hands on the documents, hence their fury towards the Roma.  “This is all bullshit, we are peaceful people”, Adrianna Glück, a Roma turned fashion model tells us, “we fear God, just like you”.

Superintendant Rime was on his way to an international convention about prostitution, yesterday, when he received a phone call from the Ministry of Down. According to the information we’ve gathered on the inside, he was told to act swiftly in order to avoid the worst case scenario. ”I received some pretty reliable intel according to which these Roma were actually trying to open a gateway to hell”, he affirms.

From that doomsday scenario a ruthless leader unlike any we’ve seen before would, according to the scriptures, emerge, gain control over all the power on the planet and be the sole (direct) intermediary between the Earthlings and the Greys, who, it is written, have been awaiting this opportunity for over a trillion years. “Once I was told, I was facing a tough choice with immeasurable consequences”, Rime points out, “either tacitly allowing the continued bloodshed of innocent children inside the temple, or act as any responsible leader would do”.

Rime, a lay, took office in 1934, before the Great Shift of the Ministry of Up became more or less official. He is now one of the eldest advisory persons of the Council of the Wise on ethereal security matters, where he has been enjoying statutory extra-legal privileges for over a decade. “I had to put an end to it”, he now says, adding : “I hope you realize I myself am totally hermetic to all this underground mystique. What I did, I did for the people themselves, especially the youngsters”.

For her part, catwalk star Adrianna Glück, who, despite the requirements of her international career, never lost contact with her fellows, rejects this accusation, in which she sees a political plot that would benefit Rime’s agenda, as well as a sign of the times. “We fear God, just like you”, she says. She called upon famous Candle International lawyer George-Henry de Bootyea to support her struggle.

In the meantime, the alleged devil worshippers congregating inside the Holy Temple are awaiting the superintendant’s final decision. The latter had his personal secretary issue the following statement : “eviction could be imminent. These people worshipped the wrong god. Had they proven worthy of our culture, I would have considered leniency. They haven’t. For my part, they may rot in hell, which, contrary to popular belief, is freezing”…

When he read this statement, de Bootyea decided to accept the case on behalf of the Roma people, and he immediately reacted on his weblog ( : “in a civilized entity, it is time to put this kind of witch hunt behind us. I have spent my entire career within the Ministry of Up, and never have I seen a regression like the one we are confronted with nowadays. Superintendant Rime must understand his political ambitions come second to the needs of the needy”.

Rime declined to address this open critique of his policy. His personal secretary, however, told the FBTR she considered this comment was “below the belt”.

More on this topic as the drama unfolds…

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